Most of us do it now. We turn to the Internet to find out how to do things. How long do you boil eggs? How do you get rid of fruit flies? How do you treat a sunburn? How do you get over the death of someone you love? Oh, wait, that last question seems out of place. But on eHow, the web guide on how to do anything, there is a page on finding closure after someone dies. 
In Closure, I write about two eHow grief pages. Recently I noticed that the site has added another one. The entry on “How to Get Closure After Someone’s Death” claims that the task has a difficulty level of “challenging.” However, eHow’s guidelines should “make this very difficult task a little easier.” In five steps, you can learn how to “move on” and “continue on with how your life used to be.”
The expectation that we need “closure” after a loss is not just found on eHow. Popular media references to closure pop up all the time. The idea that “closure” even exists is an important issue to ponder. But what is even more outrageous is the idea that there are “simple steps” or some kind of formula that will show people how to “move on” or “get over” the loss of a loved one.
In time, we learn how to integrate a loss into our lives. But there is no simple one-size-fits-all formula for learning how to live after a loss. There are reasons that we grieve and lessons that we learn. We hurt because we loved the one who died. And we remember because we still love.
Nancy,
Yes, I am here searching for grief and closure. In your categories, I don’t see grieving for parents. I didn’t see my mom, by my choice, for the last few years. Now her funeral is next week. I have prepared as best as possible for her death and I knew it would still hit me when it happened.
A counselor told me years ago that you either grieve what you had with your parent or grieve what you didn’t have. Her insight is profound. This is some of what I have written tonight:
“I could not be the daughter that my mom wanted me to be. I don’t know what she expected but I never lived up to what she wanted of me. The longing I had to be close to her went unfulfilled as well. She couldn’t be what I needed either.
Still, I know that she loved me and I loved her. The pain I feel is deep; I’m not sure what she allowed herself to feel.
Who was this woman who gave birth to me? I’m sad that she couldn’t accept me for who I am or be proud of me for who I’ve become. I’m sad that she couldn’t be my friend even on a surface level.
Tonight I am sad for what will never be.”
You know, it is funny that I found your website. My maiden name was Nancy Burns. I feel we are kindred spirits.
Thank you for letting me share a little of my journey with you here.
Nancy
Nancy,
Thank you for your insights. I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like your counselor gave you some good advice. May your time grieving for your mom and for what you did not have be a part of your healing journey. nancy
Hello
I lost my mom around 4-5 months ago. I shared a very close bond to her and was by her side all through the nine months of bedridden suffering prior to her death.
On the night (when she was to die) her breathing became extremely difficult & abnormal, and nothing in medical science could rectify it. I was extremely tired late in the night.
In her semi-conscious state, I begged her that I could not do anything further for her and was about to crash in to overbearing sleep. No sooner I fell into deep slumber and that early morning she passed away without any words being exchanged between us.
I am extremely unsettled with self-doubts, as to whether I let go of her, when she needed me the most.
Can you help me get closure.
Regards
Thank you for sharing your story. I learn from those who work in hospice programs, that it is not unusual for people to take their last breath when family members have left the room. It is not clear why this may happen, but perhaps people at some level of awareness, those dying do not want to put their loved ones through that moment. I know for some people, they do want to be there at that moment. In any case, you were there for your mom when she needed you. You still have the love from your mom and your memories. Do not force yourself to find closure. As I write in my book, “closure” is a concept that has been made up. You can heal and learn to live with loss without “closure.” Let go of the doubts as you are able. Hang on to your love. Nancy
Hello, I lost my mother last April 6, 2014. I was her caregiver for almost 3 years. She suffered from Alzheimers Dementia as well as strokes, and many other multiple medical diseases. Seeing my mother go downhill so quickly was so difficult, but having to stay strong as a caregiver was the most difficult for me because I feel now I wasn’t more a daughter than I should have been sometimes. I still feel I haven’t been able to fully let go. My 4 siblings have had dreams of my mother numerous times since she’s passed and each one of them have had such precious dreams of her with each one of them. Myself I haven’t had one of my mother at all. I’ve talked to my Mom before I go to bed. I tell her how much I miss her and I want to see her. I’ve prayed about it. I still have had nothing. I don’t understand why since I was there for her 24/7, not the others. I would do it all over again, that’s how much I loved my Mom. I’m not saying the other siblings didn’t love her. I just never received a break and if you haven’t been a caregiver 24/7, its not physically exhausting its mostly mentally and emotionally exhausting. I know to some people dreams don’t mean anything, but I’ve seen my Dad many times since he’s passed since 2007. She had such a hard death and I do have doubts still to this day. I know she’s in a place with my Dad and other family. I just get the feeling I’m holding on to something, I haven’t let go, but I don’t know how or what to do. I’ve gone through most of the stages of grieving and still go through them. I know its normal. I’m just confused. She was everything to me. I just keep hearing from others to let go, but I don’t want to because if I do, I won’t have her. I hope this makes sense. I know she is physically gone but its hard to explain. Maybe you can understand. What am I suppose to let go of? Can you please give me some insight about this and not dreaming about my Mom?
Thank you for sharing your story. People respond differently in grief. Give yourself time as you find your way through the pain and memories. Your connections may come in different ways. Be open to other ways that you can find those connections. She will continue to be part of your life. You will keep her love and memories even as you take new steps in life.
I lost my mother almost 5 years ago and it still feels like it just happened. My heart aches everyday and I crave to talk to her or see her or feel her hug. I was better for awhile but I feel I’m getting worse. Is this normal? I want everything to be back to normal. We were so close that I feel no one truly understands me if they never new my mom.
Hi Carlee,
It is hard to find anyone who can understand exactly how we feel because our relationships are all so different. We love differently and it follows that our grief is different too. There is not a “normal” way to grieve. You will find your way as you continue to remember your mom and your love for her. Perhaps you can find ways to honor your mom’s life through activities that she enjoyed. Or you can find an activity to help others in memory of your mom. Those are just a couple of ideas. You can continue to love your mom and find ways to live fully as you do that. You are not alone. Nancy
I lost my mother suddenly in a car accident 12 years ago. I was never told much about the accident, never saw her body, never felt like I had closure. My mother and I were best friends, out of all my sisters we got along the best. I told her everything, confided in her about anything. I feel like its getting worse every day, I dream about her every night and I don’t know what to do without her anymore.
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing about your love for your mom and the deep loss that you feel in her absence. I would encourage you to find someone near you that you trust and with whom you can continue to explore these thoughts. Look for someone who knows how to listen well. Continue to know you can carry the grief along with your joy and love. The additional trauma surrounding your mom’s death is hard. You can heal without forgetting. You can heal without “closure.” Continue to love and reach out to others. You are not alone. Nancy