Carrying the Burden of Grief

This past weekend a young woman died at the university where I teach. My mind has been on my students and others who mourn this tragic and senseless loss. I have also been thinking of several other students who have died in the past few years. Watching my students process these losses and struggle to find their way through the pain is difficult. And the tragedy and heartache magnifies if you dare to look up and glance around the world to see the agonizing weight of death.

If I could sit down with some of those who are carrying the burden of grief right now, I might say something like this:

Now you carry anger, sadness, and despair. You hold questions and disbelief. A young, vibrant, beautiful life was cut short. I know you have confusion and questions about what happened and why.  The “Why?” is always the hardest. Some of you may be desperately trying to figure out how to turn back time to change events—to once again see her smile and hear her laugh.  Instead, you mourn a painful, tragic loss. You may be stunned because this was just not supposed to happen.

The challenge ahead is to find a way to carry your friend forward in your hearts and minds and in your actions and memories. Right now, that love and those actions are tightly intertwined with the anger, pain, and questions. Over time, tears will help cleanse some of the pain, but not all. For many, prayers will help lift some of the weight, but not all.  I hope that the weight you carry now will get lighter, not because you will forget the love and memories, but because the anger and disbelief will lift enough to more clearly see the beauty of the person who lived.

The grief will continue and that is OK. It hurts and she is worth your tears. And it is worth figuring out how to help each other live in a way that honors the passion and love left behind. Be patient with each other as people find different paths through grief on different schedules. Be encouraged to know that you have the capacity to carry both grief and joy together as you learn how to move forward.

I am sorry for your loss.