In Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us, I encourage people not to push others (or themselves) through grief. Knowing what this means in practical ways is good to consider.
People often struggle with not knowing what to say to someone who is grieving. In facing this struggle, there are those who simply do not talk to the person while others say many things in search of some magical words.
The truth is there are no “right words.” That is, there are no words that will take away the pain or make sense of what happened.
This is why some of the most helpful things to say might be “I don’t know what to say.” You might also try “I’m so sorry,” or “I cannot imagine how you must feel.” Not everyone who grieves will find these the most helpful sayings, and it is good to remember that each person experiences grief differently. However, for many, these statements may help express the magnitude of a loss that defies words to adequately capture.
You could also ask them to tell you what their loved one was like. People often search for opportunities to share stories and keep their loved one’s presence with them in conversations. If they do not want to talk, most people will still be grateful that you asked.
It is also important to know that words are not usually the most important part of helping someone. Your presence, even in silence, is often what matters.
There are many sources that share ideas about helping others who are grieving. I will share one of them here. HelpGuide.org is a website that Robert and Jeanne Segal started after their daughter, Morgan, died by suicide. They wanted to provide information to help others. One of their pages is on grief and loss, including advice for how to support someone who is grieving.
There is power in listening. Walk beside your family and friends on their journey without pushing or pulling. Even one person can make all the difference.
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