Walking into the large reception area, one might initially think there were many families on vacation. People talking and laughing in small groups with children darting around big islands holding the breakfast spread.
If you look closer, you’ll see some of them wiping away tears. You’ll see the exhausted look of fresh grief on many faces. For others, eyes shine with appreciation of being among family—not related by blood but related by blood lost.
Observe the clothing. You’ll notice many shirts with memorial messages such as “Some people wait a lifetime to meet their hero. Mine raised me.” Or “My brother’s life mattered.” Some shirts include favorite Bible verses. Looking closer, you’ll see many people wearing buttons with pictures of smiling police officers.
In the hall is a memory board filled with tangible signs of heartache. The messages written by children seem to jump out the most.
“I love you Dad and miss you.”
“I will never forget you mom! I love you with all my heart!!”
“I wish you were here to see my accomplishments.”
“I love you PawPaw.”
Some of the messages starkly remind us of relationships that are affected for generations after death.
“I miss you Grandad even though I never met you.”
“I wish you could see your grandchildren you have.”
This is the annual gathering of C.O.P.S.: Concerns of Police Survivors. Families, friend and co-workers of police officers who have died come together to support each other during National Police Week in Washington D.C. The C.O.P.S. organizers work tirelessly to provide sessions for the different groups of survivors: children, adult children, parents, spouses, siblings, co-workers, and in-laws. They have events through the year in other locations, too.
Most of the people there had a police officer die in the past 12 months. But some of them are returning to the conference years later. One woman had a brother killed 40 years ago, which she shared with tears. Several people told me they are returning to the conference over 10 years since their loved one died primarily to support the new survivors. Yet, each of them also said they were greatly touched by the conference in ways not anticipated.
I had the honor of giving a keynote address for their first day of the conference. The families can spend up to a week there participating in various activities, candlelight vigils, and memorial services along with the support sessions.
My favorite part of being at the conference was talking with survivors. Their stories of heartache, courage, and hope never cease to amaze. It can be overwhelming to look at a room of over 800 people and know that each of them carries a tragic story. But you need to know that they have beauty in their stories, too.
My talk centered on how to carry joy and grief together—assuring them that they did not need “closure” to heal. That message resonates with survivors. They want to talk about their loved ones. They need to have time and freedom to grieve. They are capable of laughing and having joy, but they also need the space to be in pain. Some of them are angry and need a place to vent. Some want to share how God is faithful to them in their grief. They have stories to share.
The Director of the FBI and the Director of the U.S. Marshals Service both gave moving tributes to the families. The survivors appreciated the leaders of these law enforcement agencies reaching out to them. But I sensed that for many survivors, what they wanted even more was for a greater percentage of “everyday people” in their lives to walk the long road with them.
To be fair, many of them do have that kind of support, or at least have one or two people who provide that long-term encouragement. But we can do better. As one survivor said, “It’s like everyone needs sensitivity training. They shouldn’t ask me how I feel if they are not willing to hear me out.” One of the hardest things to hear is people talk about how friends and family no longer want to listen to them. Sometimes even just days or weeks after a death, they are told to “move on.”
Here is a brief thought on how to support those grieving. Understand it is not your place to take away their pain. Don’t try to fix anything. I understand people worry about not knowing what to say. Take the pressure off yourselves regarding your vocabulary because there are no “right words” to make it better. Survivors don’t want you to talk them into feeling better. They want people to be present in their pain. Listen without trying to use words to make them change how they feel. Listen without many words at all. Many people feel better by having a chance to talk and share their journey.
It takes time. And there is no “going back to normal” for them. However, there is hope and healing as they learn to live with loss. And there is beauty, faith, hope, and strength in that journey. Speaking of beauty, most of the leaders in this organization are returning survivors—mothers, co-workers, fathers, spouses, adult children, siblings—who now light the way for newly bereaved families.
Thank you to the C.O.P.S. organization for allowing me to join you. What an amazing amount of support you give to thousands of families around the nation. I’m sorry so many need you, but I’m thankful you are reaching out.
Sharon Dickerson says
Thank you for saying we did not need closure. There is no such thing. My son Sr. Cpl. Harold (Hal) F. Baird EOW 8-19-2000. His wife won’t even talk to me about him. She said a long time ago that her and his son & daughter don’t want to make me cry. POO. I just want to know about him as a husband and father. I had him as a son for over 20 years. He was 38 when he died. I want to know something about him that I did not know during those years. It took me 5 years before I could go to D.C. His family has not gone. I was told by the Mayor of Dallas, Tx. at the candle lite service for my son that me and my family were very calm. I told him I was full of Prozac. How was I supposed to act? My first born son was dead. I had not had that experience before. My 12 year old grandson and 7 year old granddaughter did not any more confusion in their lives at that time. My son’s father has never spoken to me about his death. My husband has and did cry with me. I saw my son’s body in the morgue. They would not let me touch him, or get a lock of his hair or anything. A black body bag and his beautiful head with his blonde hair. Just a scratch on his forehead, and a tube still in his mouth from surgery that could not save his life. Only COPS Parents understand.
nancyberns says
Sharon,
I am thankful you could make it to D.C. The pain is so hard. I hope that your son’s wife can at some point share more stories with you. Be patient with yourself and others as everyone grieves differently. If you’d like to share more about your son here, that would be nice to hear more about what he was like. Nancy
Diane Corder says
Thank you for sharing and speaking to us survivors. I am a mother of an officer who was killed while on duty in 2014. Your words helped and validated a lot of my feelings.
nancyberns says
Diane,
It was an honor to be there with you all. May you find peace as you continue to love your child. Thank you for being in touch. Nancy
Lydia warner Miller says
Hi. I write a lot of EOW poems and create artwork as a way to deal with my grief. Thanks for realizing that there is no such thing as closure after the loss of a loved one. Instead, over the yeaes, we create a new normal for ourselves which will always have an adpect of grief within our daily lives. Sometimes its cry is strong and loud and at other times it’s more of a soft whisper, but it!s always there. Thanks for getting it. Liz Warner Miller
nancyberns says
Lydia,
Thank you for your gentle words and helpful insights. You are contributing to others through your art and poems. I appreciate hearing from you. Nancy
Leanna Allen says
I attended last year to honor my son -in-law and appreciated all that was done. Everyone grieves in different ways and we need to appreciate and try to understand even though it is difficult. Sometimes I feel that people don’t understand how hard his death was for me. But I pray that everyone lets God help them with peace, comfort and strength
nancyberns says
Leanna,
I’m thankful you could be there last year. You are so right about the need to give each other space to grieve. Thank you for sharing that insight with others. Nancy
A says
Thank you for your words and we tried just as you suggested to others. but please know that many people have been “kicked” out of the mourner’s life because they were just the siblings of the deceased and we did not matter, our grief did not matter and we were not allowed to be honest about the deceased despite knowing that person longer than anyone else. Our pictures were not allowed at the funeral. We were never asked how we were doing from day to day in our grief. Our loss did not matter. All of the money we gave and the time spent away from our families the first few years did not matter. When one of us made a mistake in word or deed….the rug was just ripped out from under us and we were no longer spoken to….
nancyberns says
Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, it can be difficult to support others while you are also grieving. And there are many reasons people don’t acknowledge another’s grief. I am sorry you have experienced that. Continue to be patient with yourself and others. I hope you have at least one or two people who are there for you to lean on during this long journey. May you also find joy and comfort along the way. I appreciate that you described your experience so that others might learn from it as well. Nancy